


The Shadows of My Mind

by LiaIsInLove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Anorexia, Anorexic Niall, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, BPD, BPD Niall, Borderline Niall, Borderline Personality Disorder, Cutting, Depressed Niall, Depression, Diary, Diary/Journal, EDNOS, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, First Person, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Journaling, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mental Instability, Niall Has An Eating Disorder, Niall-centric, POV First Person, Panic Attack, Panic Attacks, Psych Ward, Psychiatric Hospitals, Psychiatric Medications, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Niall, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Niall, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Trigger Warnings, Triggers, first person POV, journal style
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-07-16 04:34:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 7,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7252255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/LiaIsInLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My name is Niall James Horan. Or at least it was. Chances are, if you’re reading this, I’m not alive anymore, so there’s no point pretending. If I am still alive and your name isn’t Niall James Horan, and you’ve stumbled across this somehow, turn back now. I’m serious. Put this down and walk away. You’ll be much happier. Just erase it from your mind, forget about it. Everything will be so much better that way.</p>
<p>Or the one where Niall's diary keeps all of his deepest, darkest, most well-guarded secrets.</p>
<p>Massive trigger warnings for eating disorders, depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts, borderline personality disorder, and mental illness. PLEASE DO NOT READ if this may be triggering in any way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to beg you here: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF IT MIGHT TRIGGER YOU!!! I promise, it's just fiction, you're not missing much. Real life is better. I promise.
> 
>  
> 
> That being said, if you do choose to read this, please know that it will not follow a traditional story format. Chapters will vary greatly in length. It will not be particularly linear, and it might be a little bit confusing at points.   
> This story is meant to be snippets from Niall's personal diary; meaning that there won't be much of a linear plot-line with traditional characters to follow from point A to point B. There will be other characters and relationships in the story, but everything will all be told in the form of diary/journal entries. And said entries will jump around in time and subject.
> 
> Please keep in mind that this is an AU and that it will not be written as a traditional fictional story--it'll be more like a collection of short stories and vignettes that all take place from within the universe/world of the story and from Niall's point of view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is going to be super triggering. And for that I am truly sorry. But please, I am absolutely begging you, if you feel like it is too triggering for you or that it is causing you to be in a negative or harmful place, just stop reading this at any point. I promise I won't be offended. Your safety and well-being is so much more important to me than this stupid story.

My name is Niall James Horan. Or at least it was. Chances are, if you’re reading this, I’m not alive anymore, so there’s no point pretending. If I am still alive and your name isn’t Niall James Horan, and you’ve stumbled across this somehow, turn back now. I’m serious. Put this down and walk away. You’ll be much happier. Just erase it from your mind, forget about it. Everything will be so much better that way.

No but seriously, if you’re not me, I’m still alive, and you’re still reading this, you’d better fucking stop now while you have the chance, because I promise this shit isn’t stuff you want to get into. And it’s not stuff that I want you to get into either.

Which brings me to my next point: you’re a fucking snoop! Get the fuck out of my stuff and mind your own goddamn business. I’m serious. This is mine. M-I-N-E. Not yours, MINE. So I suggest you put it back where you found it and get your fat nose out of other people’s private things. Seriously, if you’re still with me, then FUCK YOU! Honestly, go fuck yourself, you fucking cunt. You do not have permission to be reading this. You fucking shitface. I fucking hate you. If you read this, then I fucking hate you and I will never forgive you. You’re dead to me. And I will make your life hell. Mark my words. You will regret it. You will regret it so much. I promise. And I always keep my promises.

So fine, if you’re still here, then clearly nothing I can say will deter you, so I won’t bother wasting my time anymore. Just know that once you read this shit, you can’t unread it. So enjoy it while it lasts, because you sure as hell won’t, and trust me, I won’t either.

Confused? Want me to make myself clearer? Let me put it this way: if you read this, then I swear to fucking God, it will haunt you forever. And my death will be entirely on you. Got that? If you read this—and trust me, I _will_ know—then I WILL KILL MYSELF. And it will be because of you. Because you read this. Because YOU did this to me. So if you want my death on your hands, then fine, read on. Fucking selfish cunt. Go ahead. But don’t come crying to me when the guilt suffocates you in the dead of night, because guess what, I won’t be there. I’ll be dead. And it’ll be your fault.

So go on. Go ahead and keep reading. But know that you can’t escape. The guilt will be with you for the rest of your life. And I hope you fucking choke on it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is super super short, but I promise I'll post the next chapter tomorrow.

My name’s Niall James Horan. We’ve already established that. And you probably know me. Or at least, you probably _think_ you know me. But let’s get one thing clear. _You don’t know me_. You don’t know me at all. You know _nothing_ about me. You only know what I want you to know. So go ahead and wipe any preconceived notions you have about me from your ignorant mind. Because from here on in we’re starting afresh. Turning over a new page if you will.

So let’s get one thing straight, you don’t know me. And even if you read this, you still won’t know me. Not all of me. Just the pathetic little bit that I have recorded in these pages. And even that is not even close to the whole me, the real me.

 

 

 

 

Are you ready?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last chance to turn back…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s your choice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay. You’re still with me. Good. I’ll see you in Hell. I hope you fucking rot there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to start getting triggering in the next chapter. Please please please put your own safety and well-being first and stop reading at any time if you feel like this is triggering for you. You are worth it, I promise.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry in advance for the triggers. Please don't read if you think that it might trigger you. It's never too late to stop reading.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. It would be so nice. So peaceful. _So easy_.

God, I don’t even know why the hell I’m writing this. It’s pretty fucking risky. But whatever. If anyone finds this, I’m completely and totally fucked. But then again, if anyone ever finds this then I’ll probably already be dead so who the fuck gives a shit. It’s not like I do.

I’m not sure what it is I want more: meds or death. I want them to put me on meds that’ll fix me, or, I swear to god, or whoever the hell is out there, I want to die. If I can’t be happy, then I can’t keep on living, so I might as well go ahead and kick the bucket.

Maybe I can make it look like an accident so no one even has to know how fucking screwed up I am (was). But maybe I won’t bother trying to hide it or make it look like anything other than what it is. Maybe I’ll want them to know. I don’t really know.

I’ll give it a few weeks, maybe a month though, before I decide anything for sure. You know, leave my options open and all in case I change my mind. Or not. Whatever.

We’ll see.

But for now, I can’t be bothered with this shit anymore. I’m too fucking tired, and I haven’t even decided whether or not I’m going to go on with this whole “journal” thing.   So I guess I’ll just stop here.

Bye.

I’ll be back.

Maybe.

(Probably)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reasons not to kill yourself tonight (One Direction Style):
> 
> 1\. I am willing to bet there’s a movie (DUNKIRK) or tv show (OR FANFIC!) that hasn’t come out yet that you’re gonna love. You can’t see it if you’re dead.  
> 2\. There’s going to be a new music album (ONE DIRECTION!!!! HARRY!!!!! LIAM!!!!!! NIALL!!!!!!) some day that you will fall head over heals in love with and you don’t wanna miss that.   
> 3\. Y'all never gonna get to hear Harry Styles absurdly slow talking or sexy as hell singing ever again if you end your life  
> 4\. There are people who will be your best friends that you haven’t even met yet. Besties don't let future besties be sad and lonely because their supposed to be bestie died and left them all alone.  
> 5\. You won't get to see One Direction come back from their Hiatus and absolutely KILL it.   
> 6\. You won't be around to see the entire HD full-length movie of HARRY FUCKING STYLES being the sexy beautiful fallen angel frog creature that he is  
> 7\. You'll never hear solo Niall, which is gonna be absolutely fucking legendary  
> 8\. You won't get to see any more adorable pictures of Louis and Freddie. And you won't get to see Freddie grow up into the cutest sweetest mini Tommo ever   
> 9\. You're never going to see Liam Payne shirtless ever again, and my friends, that is a sight that you really do not want to miss because holy cow that boy is fit as hell  
> 10\. If you're dead you can't rewatch any of the fetus One Direction interviews and fangirl over their adorableness, and you sure as hell aren't going to get to see any new interviews  
> 11\. If you die, you for sure aren't ever going to have a chance to hopefully maybe possibly someday meet One Direction and completely embarass yourself in front of them while professing your undying love  
> 12\. If you kill yourself, there is absolutely a zero percent chance that you will get to hug Harry Styles or get a legendary Horan Hug one day  
> 13\. You won't get to see the awkward as hell 1D court reunion in Ireland that the entire fandom is losing their fucking shit over because it's absolutely fucking hilarious and those motherfuckers have put us through hell and back so it serves them right, someone finally gotta call them bitches out on all their shit  
> 14\. You'll never get to see Niall and Harry act like lovestruck idiot boyfriends in love (because they actually are lovestruck idiot boyfriends in love, duh ;p) again  
> 15\. You can't belt out What Makes You Beautiful at the top of your lungs whilst dancing like a maniac if you're dead  
> 16\. If you die then you're never going to get the chance to see Zayn realize that he's been an absolute twatting douchefaced dickweed and apologize and make amends with the other boys and the fans


	4. Chapter 4

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. Half of me thinks I’m faking it, and the other half wants it to be real so badly it’s tearing me apart.

I want to be normal. Yet I don’t think I’ve ever been normal. I’m pretty sure I’ve always been fucking screwed up.

But then again, isn’t it all just in my head? I’m just pretending, right? If I try hard enough it’ll all go away. Right?

I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. All I know is that I am so motherfucking sick of feeling this way.

I think I’m going to explode, or shatter, or do some other crazy ass shit.

It’s like I want help but I don’t want it. ‘Cause what if they say that I’m totally normal and I’m just being an attention whoring hypochondriac? Or what if I’m so fucked up, I need therapy to go discuss my “feelings” and all of that crap, but I’m not psycho enough to be put on meds? Then what? Then I just have to go to a fucking shrink and everyone will know I’m mental. Or they could just tell me to “man up” and “calm down” and to “stop being a baby” and all. If they do, I honestly don’t know what I will do.

All I know is that I cant keep living like this. I’m always on edge. I’m always afraid. One minute I am over the moon happy and the next second I’m sad. Really sad—sadder than words can even begin to describe—like I am right now. I’m nervous, and twitchy, and anxious, and so goddamn tired. I’m always paranoid.

Of course I think I’m a fucking martyr or some dumbass shit and I’m always pretending the worst. I don’t know.

I’m sad I guess.

I don’t really want to live any more.

Seriously. What’s the point? I’ll grow up. I wont succeed at what I want to. If I’m lucky I’ll meet someone, get married, and have a kid, who’ll grow up and have their own kid. And I’ll die. Then they’ll die. The cycle continues.

So what’s the fucking point? To reproduce? Is that it? Seems pretty stupid to me.

So seriously, what is the point. Personally, I don’t think there is a point. I don’t think it’s worth all the pain and heartache.

If I’m never going to accomplish anything worthwhile, the whole existence of life is fucking pointless, and I’m not happy, why the hell should I bother to keep trying? Why the fuck am I still alive?

Plus when someone dies, it’s not like they’re gone forever. They still exist in your memory. And who knows what happens, but if there is an afterlife, then all you have to do is wait until you kick the bucket yourself to see them again.

There’s no point grieving and there’s no point living. So why not off myself? It sounds weird put like that I guess. I can’t decide if it sounds better like that or like saying, “kill myself” or, “commit suicide.” But frankly, who the hell cares how you put it.   Either way I’m dead. So I certainly don’t give a fuck.

All I know is that I am fucking tired of this. I am so fucking tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are ever feeling alone or like no one loves you, please come and talk to me. I promise that you are not alone, and I promise that you are loved. I am here for anyone who needs me. You can message me on here or on my tumblr (lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com) any time. 
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for anxiety and panic attacks.

So, a lot of the times I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m going to pass out or something awful. Like, my chest is so tight and I can’t get enough air in, and I get so so dizzy and everything goes tingly and blurry and fuzzy and the world is on fire. It happens sometimes when I’m thinking too much. It happens other times when I’m exercising and I get really out of breath and I feel like I can’t catch my breath and then it just gets worse and worse and I feel like I’m suffocating. My heart beats so fast—it starts pounding and racing and just goes faster and faster and faster and I don’t think it’s supposed to go that fast, that can’t be normal, that can’t be healthy, oh my god why is it going so fast, oh my god it won’t stop, what’s going on, why is it doing this, why can’t I breathe, I can’t breathe, oh my god _I can’t breathe!_ And it’s like my lungs won’t inflate all of the way, it’s like there’s something constricting them, like there's a heavy weight sitting on top of my chest and I can’t breathe in all of the way. And oh my god it hurts and I can’t breathe and why can’t I breathe I need to breathe but I can’t oh my god oh my god.

Yeah, it’s like that.

It’s becoming a problem. Like, at footie practice and stuff. I’ll get so winded and dizzy and I’ll just be gasping for air like I’m drowning or something stupid and we’re not even doing anything hard. I hate it so much. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m such a fucking pussy, I can’t even do anything right anymore. Not that I ever could do anything right, but it’s just getting worse and worse. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Like not just mentally but also physically. I can’t even go up stairs without losing my breath and feeling like I’m going to pass out and die for Christ’s sake. That’s not fucking normal is it? It can’t be.

God, I hate myself so much. I just want to die.

Anyways, I thought it might go away, but it’s been a while and lately it’s just been getting worse. I told my mam about it. She didn’t really believe me at first. But when I started trying to explain it to her, she just nodded and said she’d make an appointment with my pediatrician. I really hope that it’s something that can be fixed because not being able to breathe and feeling like I might faint every time I physically exert myself really sucks, you know.

Mam said that the appointment is tomorrow afternoon. I get to get out of school early. Lucky me.

So we’ll see how that goes. I don’t know.

Maybe things will get better. Probably not, but you never know…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are struggling with anxiety or panic attacks, here is a link to a bunch of great resources to help with anxiety/panic attacks!
> 
> http://myresourcemasterlist.tumblr.com/anxiety
> 
>  
> 
> You're important and you deserve to get the help you need!
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


	6. Chapter 6

So my doctor gave me an inhaler. She said I might have asthma. The stupid fucking inhaler didn’t do shit. So then she sent me to a cardiologist. And a pulmonologist. And some other kind of specialist too. And guess what. Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. I’m completely healthy. Well physically that is. Mentally I’m a fucking head-case. But I guess I already knew that, didn't I.

Which brings me to my next oh so fun point. The stupid fucking doctor said that all of this was probably just in my head, and might be anxiety-related. Great. Fan-fucking-tastic. Just great.

So you know what she did. She said I should go see a shrink. A fucking shrink. I can’t. I can’t even right now. I have to go to a therapist. Because I’m a fucking nut-job. Oh and the best part, it’s for my “anxiety” like it’s not even for all of the other crazy fucked up shit I’ve been thinking and doing and feeling and all that crap.

I can’t believe this.

 

 

I’m so scared. What if the shrink knows? But what if they think I’m fine? I’m not fine. At least, I don’t think I am. I don’t feel fine. I feel so awful. There has to be something wrong with me. This can’t all just be in my head. I can’t just be making this up. I don’t want to be making this up.

 

 

 

God. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

 

 

 

I’m so scared.

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

So I went to a shrink today. It was supposed to be because I was having some anxiety problems. Or so my mother thought. Because of course, nothing serious could be wrong with her sweet little baby. But she’s wrong. She has no idea how messed up I really am. 

Apparently it’s pretty obvious too, you know, that I have _issues_ and all that. The shrink told me she knew the minute I walked in the door. When she asked my mother what was wrong, my mother, god, my fucking mother, gave simple almost cheerful answers about how I tended to get “a little” stressed out rather easily. She doesn’t have a clue. The therapist asked if I’d ever harmed myself or thought about it. My mother, as all good mothers do, smiled in a way that said quite plainly, “I’m so lucky not to have a kid who’s that messed up” and replied that no, of course I hadn’t. 

Sure mam, you keep telling yourself that. Because you just know me so fucking well. You know everything about me, don’t you.

Ha. As if. You don’t know me. You don’t know a thing about me. You don’t know me at all. If you could see who I really am now, you wouldn’t even believe I was the same son you’d loved and raised. You wouldn’t even believe I was really your child.   If you could see the real me now, you’d run away and never look back.

But you can keep pretending, you can keep believing that you know me. It’s easier that way. You’re better off not knowing what I’ve become. Trust me.


	8. Chapter 8

“Have you ever harmed yourself?”

“No.” ~~_Yes_~~

“Have you ever thought of harming yourself?”

“No.” ~~_All of the time_~~

_Realize I’m lying to you! Please please please_

“Okay. Everything seems to be fine.”

_~~No it’s not~~_  “Great, thank you.”

_No. They didn’t see. They couldn’t tell. They don’t know. Back at square one. Blew my chances. Again._


	9. Chapter 9

So I wound up telling the shrink that I self harmed. She made my mam leave the room for a bit, and then she asked me again if I had ever harmed myself on purpose. I made her swear not to tell my parents. They can’t know. It would kill them. She promised that she wouldn’t tell them if I could contract for safety. Meaning that if I made a contract not to hurt myself between then and our next session and I kept that contract, she wouldn’t tell my parents. However if I broke the contract then she would have to tell them.

The way I see it, it’s pretty much just blackmail. If I cut she’ll tell my parents about my self-harm.

I already fucking hate her.

She also gave me a list of alternatives to self-harm.  Some of them are really fucking stupid. Like scribble on magazines with pen, or chew on ice cubes like a goddamn pregnant woman.  One of them is to wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it any time you want to cut.  I think that I might actually try that one. I don't know, it doesn't sound too unbearably stupid.  You never know, it might work.

I spend the majority of the day thinking about how much I want to slice my wrists open anyways, so I guess I could do with a distraction.  I might as well try it.  It's not like I've got anything to lose.  Worst comes to worst I'll go back to cutting myself.  It's not like I care.

 


	10. Chapter 10

I honestly can’t believe how stupid I was—still am—for thinking that all my problems would go away. That there’s some sort of magic cure. That once you see the doctor, get an answer, and find out that it’s not all just in your head you actually do have “issues,” that once you get it all off of your chest it all magically disappears. Poof. Gone.

Silly me thought I’d feel better if I told them my problems. But no. I feel worse than ever. Silly fucking me.

 

 

 

 

 

   

So guess what. I have major depressive disorder—moderate, coupled with a mild to moderate anxiety disorder. Well that’s what my therapist told me will be on the insurance bills at least. That’s great, right? Now I have a reason to be this way. Right?

Wrong. Do you want to know why?

Because my parents. That’s why.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But typical teenage me is just making things up. That’s what you’re probably thinking now. I’m a teenager therefore I cannot perceive anything correctly, I overdramatize everything, I believe I am the center of the universe, and I insert angst into everything I touch.

Well I don’t really know for sure, but my guess is that most ‘typical teenage angst’ does not involve a debate over whether or not you should kill yourself today or tomorrow or next Thursday. Whether you should slit your wrists, jump off the roof of the 8 story parking garage you have access to, turn on the car whilst it sits idly in the closed garage, or take an entire bottle of Tylenol and Advil and any and every other pill you can get your hands on.

That’s just normal teenage stuff, right?

Isn’t it totally normal to horde sharp object and obsess over how you will use them as weapons to inflict pain on yourself. Don’t worry, you’re not a sociopath; you’re just a ~~psychotic~~ ‘normal’ teenager.

Hips, legs, or arms? Where should the next cut go?

Hips are always a good option because you can hide the damage easily. No one in their right mind will ask to see your underwear line without knowing that they’ll sound like some sort of pervert.

Legs are nice because nobody gets suspicious. You can do whatever you want (just so long as you spread out and don’t make it look like you’re doing exactly what you are doing) and no one gives a shit. But that’s mostly just because no one notices anything.

And arms are the best, the most satisfying. But you have to be careful. It’s cliché so everyone expects it, and people will get suspicious pretty quickly. So if you want to do your arms, you have two options: either stay high up on your arms where you can hide with sleeves (short sleeves are your new best friend) or spread them out in shape size location and depth. Pretend you’re a klutz. _I can’t believe I’m so uncoordinated, I fell down the stairs. I’m honestly such a spaz, I legit just walked into a wall, what the fuck is wrong with me. That stupid cat wants to kill me, I’m not even kidding; it actually hates me. Oh my god, I’m literally the dumbest person ever, I was trying to catch a Frisbee and I ran into a rose bush, like, how is it even possible to be_ that _stupid._ Always have an excuse ready. Always be on your toes. Always be ready to lie. Always lie.

But this is all normal, isn’t it? Everyone faces these dilemmas. Right?

Well according to my parents everyone goes through what I’m going through, at some point or another. I don’t know; it’s not exactly like they’d really understand it (as if I’ve told them anything ~~as if they’d even care~~ ) but I guess that makes me sound so like the most stereotypical teenager ever, whining about how my parents don’t understand me. Whatever. I don’t even care anymore.

You know what they say to me (after insisting that I don’t need medication and should just push through it). They say “ _Stop moping_ ,” “ _Don’t be a bitch_ ,” “ _Stop being a pain in the ass_ ,” “ _Quit complaining, I don’t want to hear it_ ,” “ _Just suck it up_ ,” “ _You’re tired? Well you can sleep when you’re dead_.”

 

 

 

I mean, sure, they don’t know the whole story (or any part of it really), but you at least have to wince at that last one. _You can sleep when you’re dead._ Yes, believe it or not, I have managed to figure out that dying is just like going to sleep and never waking up. Maybe that’s why I want to die so goddamn badly. So so badly. The only reason I haven’t done it yet is because I’d always hoped that I’d get diagnosed and go on meds and then my problems would be solved, and also because I feel so guilty about whoever has to find my bloody body and how my family would feel, and I can’t put them through that.

I’m not stupid enough to think that my family and my parents don’t love me and wouldn’t be devastated if I killed myself. I know that they’d be anguished. So I try to suck it up so that I’m the only one suffering (that doesn’t seem selfish and self-centered does it?) But god above, I am getting tired.

If things don’t change soon I’m going to do it. And you’ll read this when I’m dead and you’ll understand—finally—what I just couldn’t tell you. You’ll get why I know for sure that I need medication because **I am not fine**. And you’ll be devastated and guilty that you didn’t see it, couldn’t tell that I really did need help. And for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry if this hurts you. If it makes you sad, mad, whatever. But it’s how I feel. It’s the truth and I’m not faking it. I’m not lying.

Of course I hide things well, and that is mostly my fault (another brick in the enormous wall of things I fuck up) so I won’t burden you with that blame. That alone is my fault. And for that I am sorry.

 

 

 

But now we’re faced with a problem that must be addressed. If anyone is to read this—ever—whether I’m dead or alive (I hope the latter, that I’m alive and happy, but to be honest I’m starting to lose faith) I am so so so screwed.

No I don’t want to talk about it. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not next week, next month, or next year. Not ever. I don’t want to and I won’t do it. I guess that’s part of the problem but whatever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just promise me you won’t think too badly of me once (if) you’ve read this. I hope for all of our sakes that you never do.

 

If however a snooping eye has found itself captivated by the pathetic “teenage angst” above, wipe it from your memory. Forget you read it.

 

 Remember, ignorance is bliss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So close your eyes and pretend you never had the misfortune of stumbling across the pathetic ramblings about my disgustingly overdramatized life.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You were not here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And neither was I.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poof.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s all disappeared.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be triggering as always. PLEASE stop at any time if it's too much for you. That doesn't make you weak. It makes you incredibly strong. I promise.

So I’ve been trying to do that rubber band trick. The one where you keep rubber bands on your wrists and snap them whenever you feel like cutting. It’s supposed to help stop you from cutting. I wear my rubber bands and I snap them constantly. My wrists are bright red now. They’re starting to get bruises on them too. I guess that’s because when I snap the rubber band, I pull it up as far as I can stretch it and make sure to snap it on my bare skin. It stings. Not like cutting, but it’s a decent substitute for when I can’t get to my blades. Like when I’m sitting in class or walking in the halls. Places like that where I can’t cut.

Everyone thinks I’m crazy. I mean, they’re right, but still. Sometimes if my friends comment on my rubber bands, I take them off and dare them to snap it on their wrists, see how hard they can stand it. They’re all such fucking babies. They all shout out and moan and whine and act like it hurts so bad, and they’re barely even pulling it back. So then I put them back on and pull it back to the point where it’s about to break and then let go and let it snap full force. And they’re all amazed by the fact that I don’t cringe. I don’t even bat an eye. I tell them that it doesn’t even hurt.

That’s a lie. It does hurt. I’m just used to much worse pain. And anyways, the sting is a good kind of pain. It’s comforting. It helps a fair bit with anxiety. Well, it’s at least better than biting my nails, and rubbing my fingers and hands together, and putting my hands around my throat, and trying to shake the tingling out of my hands, and the nonstop twitching, and bouncing my leg so hard under the desk it shakes the my whole body, and pulling out my hair, and talking to myself, and hyperventilating, and all the other fucking shit that I always do when I’m so anxious I can’t even breathe. Compared to those, frantically snapping a rubber band is practically normal. So I guess I’ll take it for now.

I don’t know, the whole thing seems pretty stupid, because it just works so much better to cut and get it over with. The rubber band is like putting a Band-Aid over the problem. It doesn’t deal with it or get rid of any of the shit, it just hides it underneath a piece of plastic so that you (other people) don’t have to look at it constantly. I’d rather just cut to be honest. But if I cut then I guess I’m breaking the stupid Safety Contract and then the stupid therapist will tell my mam.

Then again, I don’t have to tell her if I brake the Safety Contract. It’s not like she’ll know. What’s she going to do, strip search me? As if.

Plus, even if I break the safety contract, what am I going to do—tell her? Then she’d go tell my mam and I’d be fucking screwed. So even if I break the damn thing, I’m not telling her shit. So I might as well break it because it’s not like she’ll know either way.

So yeah, the rubber band helps a bit for when I can’t cut, but I’m going to stick to actually cutting for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are 10 Reasons not to self harm:
> 
> 1\. You don’t deserve it, no matter what. I promise  
> 2\. You’ll end up with a lot of scars that you will not always want to have on your body  
> 3\. Self harm doesn't heal you pain or make it go away, it only delays it temporarily  
> 4\. It starts to work less and less the more you do it  
> 5\. You might end up in hospital and I promise you that is not a fun experience  
> 6\. You don't deserve to be ashamed of your body and feel like you have to hide it  
> 7\. You can't change in front of anyone ever, which makes PE, sharing a dorm room, and getting ready for fun nights out or shopping with friends pretty motherfucking difficult  
> 8\. It itches like fucking hell, especially in the summer  
> 9\. It leaves nasty brown shit colored stains on your clothes that don't come out in the wash  
> 10\. You can't go swimming or sunbathing in the summer with your friends


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge trigger warnings for suicidal thinking. Please don't read if this might cause you any harm.
> 
> If you are thinking about or feeling like you might want to end your life, please please please do not continue reading this, and instead:  
> *Click this link and read this post:  
> http://clinicallydepressedpug.tumblr.com/post/25991803810/trigger-warning-feeling-suicidal  
> *Call this 24/7 Crisis Hotline (if you live in the US):  
> 1-800-273-TALK (8255) OR  
> *Text “GO” To 741741 to speak confidentially to trained crisis counselors  
> *Click this link to find crisis hotlines in your country  
> http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html  
> *Talk to someone you trust about how you feel  
> Remember that I am ALWAYS here for you if you need someone to talk to
> 
>  
> 
> Seriously my lovelies, you are so important and the world needs you. So please get yourself the help that you need and deserve.

I’m on meds now. Shouldn’t that help? Shouldn’t that make everything hurt less? Shouldn’t that make life at least a tiny bit more bearable? Shouldn’t that make it so that I don’t want to slit my wrists or fling myself off a bridge every single waking moment of every day? Shouldn’t that at least help a tiny bit?

 

Sure, I get it, it’s a cumulative thing, and it won’t really kick in until the meds have had a chance to build up in my system, but still… Shouldn’t I at least be a little better, a little less inclined to do something stupid?

 

But here’s the thing, I’m too tired to go anywhere to do anything anyways so I guess it doesn’t even make a difference. All I want to do his sleep ~~forever and ever~~ (All I _can_ do is sleep)

 

But honestly… A coma… A bullet to the head…A fatal blood clot… A heart attack… A peaceful death... Anything. I don’t care anymore. I just want out. I want it to end. I need it to end.

 

I’m just tired and I don’t want to deal anymore. I just want to be done.

 

 

 _I am done_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lovelies, you know I love you all dearly, and if you are feeling suicidal please please, I am begging you, use some of the resources below. Or message me. I am here for you and I love you very very much and I promise that you matter and you are worth it and you deserve to live and to be happy and healthy. So please keep fighting.
> 
> Find Crisis Centers in your region of the world:  
> http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
> 
> United Kingdom:  
> The Samaritans Helpline: 08457 90 90 90  
> The HOPELineUK: 0800 068 41 41
> 
> BEFRIENDERS WORLDWIDE - Provides general info and listings of volunteer emotional support centers worldwide.  
> http://befrienders.org/ 
> 
> CRISIS CHAT - Online Chat service. If you can’t reach a chat specialist, call 1-800-273-TALK(8255) for emotional support.  
> http://crisischat.org/ 
> 
> CRISIS TEXT LINE - Crisis Text Line serves anyone in any type of crisis, providing them access to free, 24/7 emotional support and information they need via the medium they already use and trust: text.  
> http://www.crisistextline.org/  
> Text "START" to 741-741
> 
> SUICIDE PREVENTION CENTER - Hotline phone (24 hours): 1-877-727-4747 - Hotline, information, referrals, suicide prevention counseling.  
> http://didihirsch.org/ 
> 
> TEEN LINE - If you have a problem or just want to talk with another teen who understands, then this is the right place for you! Call, text, email, or chat with others on the message board.  
> 310-855-4673  
> https://teenlineonline.org/
> 
> THE TREVOR PROJECT - Crisis line for LGBT youth younger than 25 years old. National line with referrals in all areas.  
> 866-488-7386  
> http://thetrevorproject.org 
> 
> YELLOW RIBBON - Suicide prevention program for teens and parents  
> http://yellowribbon.org/ 
> 
>  
> 
> I'm always here to talk if you need someone. Remember that you are important and you are loved.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short chapter, but I will post a few more throughout the day.

I got asked on a date today. My first date. With a boy I like. Why am I not happy? I was so good all week and then today when a good thing actually happened, shit hit the fan and I hit the wall and dammit it hurts. It hurts so bad.

Why the fuck can’t I just be grateful for what I have?


	14. Chapter 14

Rory asked me on a date. I should be happy, right? A boy likes me. A cute boy who’s super sweet and funny. Like, he has friends and is cool and everything like that, and I’m just…well I’m just a fucking loser. A pathetic fucking loser who has to go to therapy and be on medications because he’s too selfish to be happy with what he has. Why would a boy like that actually care about someone as disgusting as me?

 

I should back out now so Rory doesn’t get hurt. I don’t know why I said yes when I am so perfectly aware of my ‘disaster-waiting-to-happen’ status.

He’s such a great guy and he deserves better than little old messed up me. He should be with someone who makes him happy and won’t break his heart by doing something stupid (necessary). He deserves somebody who’s happy and grateful and not selfish and pathetic and miserable.

Once he finds out who I really am, he’ll either be horrified and distance himself or he’ll cling tighter and get his heart broken. I hope it’s the former. I don’t want him to be devastated when I kill myself. He doesn’t deserve that.

And of course I’m being selfish and not calling it off because I want to give it a shot. In the end, I’ll be dead and he’ll have to pick up the pieces. No one deserves that. Especially not him. I’m so selfish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I've noticed that this story doesn't seem to be particularly popular. I'm considering abandoning it. Please let me know if you'd like me to continue this story. I'll continue it if anyone wants me too, I just feel like no one really likes it all that much, and I don't want to waste my time writing a story that no one likes or is going to read.
> 
> On another note, please remember that you are all loved and you are all worthy of being loved. It may not always feel like it, but I promise that you deserve to be loved. And you are loved. I promise.
> 
> I'm always here if anyone needs a friend.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers as always. Please be safe my loves

Isn’t it fitting that I am in the psych room whilst having my psychotic nervous breakdown.

Some would call it a panic attack. But it’s not a panic attack. It’s just me being a psychopath. Because I don’t know what I’m panicked about. Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m freaking out about. I have no reason to be feeling this way. Nothing bad happened. I’m just terrified. But I don’t even know what I’m terrified of. 

I’m not scared about dying that’s for sure. Exams? Maybe, But then again I just don’t care—a sure sign of depression: not caring about things. So that’s fine, right? Because I am depressed—clinically depressed at that—the clinically depressed, in therapy, on medication kind of depressed.

I don’t know why I can’t just be happy with what I have. I have such a good life too.

This makes no sense because my thoughts are racing (thank you panic attack) but then again no one is ever going to read this, so who gives a shit. Not me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How to Calm Yourself During a Panic Attack (courtesy of alwayshopeforabrighterfuture)
> 
>  
> 
> Breathe and relax:   
> -Put an end to a panic attack before it starts. When you begin to feel like you are going to have panic attack, relax your muscles by tensing all of your muscles up in one area of your body (e.g. face, left arm, etc) for a few seconds and then relaxing them. Do this with every muscle in your body. Be sure to focus on your breathing.
> 
> Change the atmosphere:  
> -Changing your surrounding or circumstances at the onslaught of a panic attack can sometimes prevent it from happening. When you feel a panic attack coming on, try drinking a cold glass of water, tell yourself a joke, sing your favorite song or whatever it takes to stop the negative thought process that can start the panic attack. When you find something that works, use it next time. This will help prevent the attack before it starts.
> 
> Make panic attack journals:   
> -Make a panic attack journal with strategies that have helped prevent attacks in the past written down. Have one for your home and one for your car. You may even need this same journal at work. Keep phone numbers for your local crisis line or doctor’s office with this journal. If you feel yourself starting to have a panic attack, refer to the notebook. If the panic attack is more than you can handle, you may need to use the phone number to call the crisis line. You could also include the phone number for a close friend of family member that has helped in the past.
> 
> Listen to Music:   
> -Music is a very powerful tool. It has the ability to change our moods in an instant. I found music to be a particularly useful tool when I was trying to deal with a panic attack. The best music to listen to during a panic attack is something that is graceful, slow, melodic and rhythmic. I really like to turn on some Vivaldi or Mozart and listen to the happy and joyful songs of the violin and piano. Hip hop and other tracks with a bouncy and catchy baseline can also be beneficial.  
> -See what works for you. Spend a few weeks listening to some new music and see what calms you down. Play that music during the times that you are feeling happy and relaxed (like in the bath) and then when you have an attack you can turn the music on and go back to that place.
> 
> Call Someone:  
> -Sometimes the best thing during a panic attack is to hear somebody’s voice. They reassure you that everything is going to be okay and they remind you that there is some perspective. Calling a friend can be a wonderful help.  
> -Relying on a friend is fine if you need that support. Do not feel guilty about calling a friend – they will not mind – that is what they are there for. But do be careful about developing any unhealthy habits. This won’t help anyone.
> 
> Go outside into the open:   
> -Getting outside in the open is surprisingly effective. Often when we are having a panic attack we are indoors and alone. Going outside might seem like the last thing you want to do but I am certain that it helps.
> 
> Take a shower:   
> -As I mentioned, sometimes during a panic attack you can feel dizzy, sick and very panicked. I found that taking a nice hot shower really helped to calm me down.  
> -Now this tip is not going to be for everyone. Some people like showers, other people don’t. If you are feeling the symptoms of an attack it might be a good idea to strip off and jump in the shower. The hot water, the repetitiveness of the water drops and the steam are all really good ways to slow down. When I had my panic attacks I used to sometimes sit down in the shower for five minutes while my mind settled. Showering is nice because it is something physical. You get the bodily sensations as well as the mind relaxing. This body/mind combination can be really powerful – especially if you combine it with some slow breathing
> 
>  
> 
> See full list at http://alwayshopeforabrighterfuture.tumblr.com/post/42093531654/how-to-calm-yourself-during-a-panic-attack-3


	16. Chapter 16

Yesterday it was good—really good. Today’s shit.

I don’t understand. I go from laughing, singing, whatever, straight back to where I was before. It doesn’t make sense.

 

 

I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of all the stress and anxiety and pressure. I’m tired of myself. I’m tired of living. I am just plain tired.

I’m too tired to study for an exam I’ll fail either way and I’m too tired to do homework I don’t give a shit about. I’m too tired to do anything other than sit here as my hand drags across the page.

Even now though, I’m bored of writing.

To be honest I’m bored of everything. All this stuff I used to like, it’s just stupid, pointless, and boring now.   I can’t complete anything I started. Like writing. I get about 10 lines in and stop because I can’t find the energy or patience to keep going.

 

 

Something is happening right now so I’ll say goodbye.

See you soon.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been putting resources, tips, and coping mechanisms for some of the mental illnesses/disorders discussed in this story in the end notes, and in addition to that I'm also going to be including some general information about these mental illnesses, because that's important too. 
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> So now on for some info about depression.
> 
>  
> 
> Depression is a common and debilitating mood disorder. While depression tricks you into thinking that you are alone and you're the only person feeling this way, there are an estimated 350 million people of all ages world wide who are affected by depression.
> 
>  
> 
> Some of the most common signs and symptoms of depression are:
> 
> * Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.  
> * Loss of interest in daily activities. You don’t care anymore about former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.  
> * Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.  
> * Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping.  
> * Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.  
> * Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.  
> * Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.  
> * Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.  
> * Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.  
> * Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.  
>  
> 
> It's important to remember that depression affects different people in different ways. Depression often varies according to age and gender, with symptoms differing between men and women, or young people and older adults. However, no matter how you experience it, depression is different from normal sadness in that it engulfs your day-to-day life, interfering with your ability to work, study, eat, sleep, and have fun.
> 
> Depressed men are less likely to acknowledge feelings of self-loathing and hopelessness. Instead, they tend to complain about fatigue, irritability, sleep problems, and loss of interest in work and hobbies. They’re also more likely to experience symptoms such as anger, aggression, reckless behavior, and substance abuse.
> 
> Women who have depression are more likely to experience symptoms such as pronounced feelings of guilt, excessive sleeping, overeating, and weight gain. Depression in women is also impacted by hormonal factors during menstruation, pregnancy, and menopause. Up to 1 in 7 women experience depression following childbirth, a condition known as postpartum depression.
> 
> Depression often affects teenagers and young adults differently than it affects older adults. Irritability, anger, and agitation are often the most noticeable symptoms in depressed teens—not sadness. They may also complain of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical pains.
> 
> Older adults tend to complain more about the physical rather than the emotional signs and symptoms of depression: things like fatigue, unexplained aches and pains, and memory problems. They may also neglect their personal appearance and stop taking critical medications for their health.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> More information about the symptoms and warning signs of depression can be found at  
> http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-signs-and-symptoms.htm


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers as always

The meds aren’t helping. I’ve told my shrink that. She thinks I should go up to a higher dose. I mean, the dose I’m on now is so pathetically low, it’s not like it’d do anything anyways. The doctor told me that the dose was just a trial dose. To make sure that it wasn’t the placebo affect or whatever. God, I just…I just can’t take this anymore. I need to be on something stronger. This is not helping. Not even a little bit.

 

So the doctor agreed to let me go up to a higher dose, but only if my mam and da agree. And that’s the problem. They don’t even think I should be on meds in the first place.

 

Every day my da makes some snide remark about me not needing medications, and just…if he just knew how bad things are…

 

But he doesn’t. He hasn’t got a clue. And I guess a lot of that is my fault for not telling anyone and for hiding everything so well, but…

 

Well whatever. It doesn’t matter. All I know is that I need to be on something stronger because I can’t keep on doing this anymore. It’s so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depression comes in many shapes and forms. Knowing what type of depression you have can help you manage your symptoms and get the most effective treatment. Here are a few of the most common and general types of depression.
> 
> Major depression  
> Major depression is much less common than mild or moderate depression and is characterized by intense, relentless symptoms.  
> Left untreated, major depression typically lasts for about six months.  
> Some people experience just a single depressive episode in their lifetime, but major depression can be a recurring disorder.
> 
> Atypical depression  
> Atypical depression is a common subtype of major depression with a specific symptom pattern. It responds better to some therapies and medications than others, so identifying it can be helpful.  
> People with atypical depression experience a temporary mood lift in response to positive events, such as after receiving good news or while out with friends.  
> Other symptoms of atypical depression include weight gain, increased appetite, sleeping excessively, a heavy feeling in the arms and legs, and sensitivity to rejection.
> 
> Dysthymia (recurrent, mild depression)  
> Dysthymia is a type of chronic “low-grade” depression. More days than not, you feel mildly or moderately depressed, although you may have brief periods of normal mood.  
> The symptoms of dysthymia are not as strong as the symptoms of major depression, but they last a long time (at least two years).
> 
> Some people also experience major depressive episodes on top of dysthymia, a condition known as “double depression.”  
> If you suffer from dysthymia, you may feel like you’ve always been depressed. Or you may think that your continuous low mood is “just the way you are.”
> 
> Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)  
> For some people, the reduced daylight hours of winter lead to a form of depression known as seasonal affective disorder (SAD). SAD affects about 1% to 2% of the population, particularly women and young people.  
> SAD can make you feel like a completely different person to who you are in the summer: hopeless, sad, tense, or stressed, with no interest in friends or activities you normally love.  
> SAD usually begins in fall or winter when the days become shorter and remains until the brighter days of spring.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> More information about the different types of depression can be found at:  
> http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-types#1


	18. Chapter 18

So my date with Rory was really good. Really, really good. He didn’t kiss me though. I don’t know if that means that he doesn’t like me. I really hope he likes me.

But I’m scared that he does like me. Because I know I’m just going to wind up hurting him. And I really don’t want to do that. But he probably doesn’t like me anyways. He probably just asked me out because he felt sorry for me. I mean, I’m such a loser, it’s not like anyone, especially not someone as cool as Rory, would ever like me.

God, he brought me a teddy bear. It’s so cute. It’s name is Scrabble and it’s a volunteer at the local children’s hospital, just like me. When I press it’s paw, it sings one of my favorite songs. I can’t believe how sweet Rory is. We had such a good time on our date. Sean and Connor were spying on us, the wankers. They snuck up behind me when we were eating our ice creams in the park, and they scared the shit out of me. I screamed like such a girl and fell off the bench. It was so embarrassing. But at the same time it was hilarious. I hope that it didn’t make Rory uncomfortable. I thought it was funny, but he probably was embarrassed to have people we know see us together. He’s probably really annoyed about that. Oh god, I need to apologize to him. He’s probably so upset. I’m such an idiot. Why did I tell Sean and Connor that I had a date? God this is all my fault. Fuck.

I need to apologize to Rory. I just really hope that he isn’t too mad at me. Maybe he’ll forgive me for being so stupid. I hope he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's important to remember that you don't have to display symptoms every second of every day in order for you mental illness to be valid. You do not need to be depressed 24/7 in order to have depression. You can have a good day. You're allowed to have a good day. That doesn't mean that you're faking your illness. That doesn't mean that you're making it up and just being overdramatic. You can have a good day, a good month, even a good year and still struggle with mental illness. Don't ever let anyone (yourself included) invalidate your struggle because you can still feel happy sometimes when something good happens to you. You are allowed to have good days, you are allowed to be happy, you are allowed to experience symptoms on a continuum. Some days some symptoms may be better or worse than others. And that's totally okay.


	19. Chapter 19

My parents don’t think I should be on any meds at all. They think that I don’t need it. That I just need to push through it and tough it out. Or at least that’s what my da said this morning. He thinks that I just need to get over whatever “teenage funk” I’m in and try harder. That I just need to force myself to be happy. And Mam pretty much agrees with him. They don’t want to let me go up to a higher dose of medication. They keep acting like they’re being so kind and generous for letting me be on any medication at all. They act like they’re doing me a huge favor, like they’re humoring me, by letting me take medication.

 

My doctor thinks I should be on a higher dose. So do I. Because the shit I’m on now is not strong enough. It’s not working. At all.

 

But no. According to my parents, everything is fine and dandy. My parents think that taking medication will hurt me more than it could possibly help me. So I just need to push through it and “tough it out.” They don’t think I need it. They won’t agree to let the doctor increase my dosage.

 

And here’s the thing: Mam, Da, I know you just want what’s best for me and all, but you have to believe me when I say that _this_ is what’s best for me. You have to believe me when I say that I need this. **I. Need. This.** You have to believe me. Please believe me.

 

And, just a warning, if you don’t let them put me on something stronger soon, I won’t be alive for you to regret it. If I don’t go up to a higher dosage, I will kill myself. I’m not joking. I have a plan.

 

Of course I’d rather be happy and not depressed, obviously. But I don’t think that’s an option for me. Not unless I am on some serious meds.

 

And if I can’t be happy, I don’t want to be alive. Because living like this—if you can even call it living—is pure hell. It’s too hard. It hurts so badly. And I can’t keep doing this. I really can’t. So please— _please_ —if you want me to live, if you want me to keep trying, if you even care about me at all, you’ll understand that I need this. I can’t do it anymore. I’m trying, I really am, but it’s so hard, and, God, I’m tired. I’m so tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depression is not just the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be simply cured with medication. It’s caused by a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors. In other words, your lifestyle choices, relationships, and coping skills matter just as much—if not more so—than genetics.
> 
> Risk factors that make you more vulnerable to depression include:
> 
> Loneliness and isolation  
> Lack of social support  
> Recent stressful life experiences  
> Family history of depression  
> Marital or relationship problems  
> Financial strain  
> Early childhood trauma or abuse  
> Alcohol or drug abuse  
> Unemployment or underemployment  
> Health problems or chronic pain


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for depression and suicidal thoughts.

The only reason I’m not doing something stupid (a euphemism for the lovely little phrase referred to as “self-harming”) right now is because I’m too tired to get up and go get my knife and then go through with it. It takes too much effort. Sure, I’m only ten steps away from where my knife is hidden, but then I have to actually do it, which takes some effort, and then I have to clean up and hide all of the evidence. I have to clean everything up and wait until the bleeding stops and make sure that everything is hidden and that no one notices any blood or anything. And I know in my head that it really isn’t that big of a deal; it’s not that much effort, but it just feels like so much. And I’m just too tired. I’m so tired right now.

 

So I guess I’ll wrap this up. But only after clarifying one thing. When I say that I’m tired, I do not mean the sleep-deprived and yawning kind of tired that results from a late night doing homework. No, it is not that kind of tired. I wish it were as simple as that, where all of my problems could be solved with a good nights sleep. But that’s not the case. I’m not that kind of tired. What I really mean to say is that I’m tired of.

 

As in, tired of living. As in I just don’t have the energy to or willpower to keep going. All I want to do is sleep. Forever. And yet I can never seem to sleep, I’m not sleepy. I’m just tired. Not tired. Tired of. Tired of being alive. Tired of trying. Tired of failing. Tired of pretending. Tired of hurting. Tired of crying. Tired of eating. Tired of sleeping. Tired of breathing. Tired of existing. Just…Tired…Tired of everything.

 

I guess what I mean is that I’m tired of being alive and I just want to die already. Really, it would be so lovely, so kind, so simple, so peaceful, so blissful, to just die. To just drift off to sleep and never have to open my eyes again. God that’s all I really want. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I just want to be dead already.

 

I’m so tired so I’m going to go lie and stare at my wall and think about ways I can kill myself without putting in a lot of pain and effort and without traumatizing my family as well as the poor unlucky soul who finds me—well finds my body, because “I” won’t exist at that point.

 

So yeah. That’s it.

 

I’m tired. So I’ll go do that. Bye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Coping With Depression:**
> 
> Depression drains your energy, hope, and drive, making it difficult to do what you need to feel better. But while overcoming depression isn’t quick or easy, it’s far from impossible. You can’t just will yourself to “snap out of it,” but you do have more control than you realize—even if your depression is severe and stubbornly persistent. The key is to start small and build from there. Feeling better takes time, but you can get there if you make positive choices for yourself each day.  
> It’s the Catch-22 of depression: recovering from depression requires action, but taking action when you’re depressed is hard. Draw upon whatever resources you have. You may not have much energy, but you probably have enough to take a short walk around the block or pick up the phone to call a loved one. 
> 
> **Tip 1: Reach out and stay connected**  
>  When you’re depressed, the tendency is to withdraw and isolate. Even reaching out to close family members and friends can be tough. Compound that with the feelings of shame and the guilt you may feel at neglecting your relationships.  
> But social support is absolutely essential to depression recovery. Staying connected to other people and the outside world will make a world of difference in your mood and outlook. And if you don’t feel that you have anyone to turn to, it’s never too late to build new friendships and improve your support network.
> 
>    
>  **Ways to reach out:**
> 
>   **Look for support from people who make you feel safe and cared for.** The person you talk to doesn’t have to be able to fix you; he or she just needs to be a good listener—someone who’ll listen attentively and compassionately without being distracted or judging you.
> 
> **Make face-time a priority.** Phone calls, social media, and texting are great ways to stay in touch, but they don’t replace good old-fashioned in-person quality time. The simple act of talking to someone face to face about how you feel can play a big role in lifting the fog of depression and keeping it away.
> 
> **Try to keep up with social activities even if you don’t feel like it.** Often when you’re depressed, it feels more comfortable to retreat into your shell, but being around other people will make you feel less depressed.
> 
> **Find ways to support others.** It’s nice to receive support, but research shows you get an even bigger mood boost from providing support yourself. So find ways—both big and small—to help others: volunteer, be a listening ear for a friend, do something nice for somebody.
> 
> **Care for a pet.** While nothing can replace the human connection, pets can bring joy and companionship into your life and help you feel less isolated. Caring for a pet can also get you outside of yourself and give you a sense of being needed—both powerful antidotes to depression.
> 
>  
> 
> **10 tips for reaching out and staying connected**  
> 
> 1.Talk to one person about your feelings  
> 2.Help someone else by volunteering  
> 3.Have lunch or coffee with a friend  
> 4.Ask a loved one to check in with you regularly  
> 5.Accompany someone to the movies, a concert, or a small get-together  
> 6.Call or email an old friend  
> 7.Go for a walk with a workout buddy  
> 8.Schedule a weekly dinner date  
> 9.Meet new people by taking a class or joining a club  
> 10.Confide in a clergy member, teacher, or sports coach
> 
>    
> Please remember that I am always here for you if ever you need someone to talk to. You can talk to me on here, or through tumblr. You can find me at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


	21. Chapter 21

I feel like I should be more upset right now. Rory turned out to be an asshole after all. He doesn’t like me. Shocker. Honestly, I feel like I should care more, but…it’s just that…well…I pretty much expected this. Things don’t work out for me. I’m not the kind of person that boys like. I’m not the kind of boy who has people that care about him. I guess I’m just not that surprised that he didn’t wind up liking me in the end. I would have been more surprised if he had actually liked me and wanted to be with me. But no. He doesn’t. Of course he doesn’t. I’m fucking pathetic. Hell, I wouldn’t even want to be with me, so it’s not like I can even blame him.

So I guess I’m not that upset because I’m not that surprised, but also, it’s like, I just have so much other shit going on in my life. I don’t have the time to waste being hurt over some stupid boy. Like, I have so much else that I’m already miserable about, and I really don’t have room to add another person into the equation. It’s better this way, because now I don’t have to wind up hurting him when I kill myself. One less person who will be hurt.

He’ll probably feel guilty for being an arse to me. He really was an arse. Hooking up with that Year Ten girl the day before our date… Ha, I should have known that there was something going on. There’s no way that any boy could actually like me enough to ask me out. He brought me the teddy bear because he felt guilty about cheating on me before we were even together. I don’t know if that even counts as cheating, but honestly, I’m just too tired to care. Ever since Sean told me that he heard that Rory hooked up with some random Year Ten girl at Justin’s party last Saturday, I’ve just kind of accepted that things weren’t going to work out with Rory. Like, I didn’t even believe for sure that he actually did that, because it was just a rumor after all, but at the same time, I just kind of resigned myself not to get my hopes up. So I just waited. And sure enough, he stopped talking to me, and then after a few days the text came that he liked me better as a friend. Shocker.

Oh and then a few hours later his Facebook status was that he was in a relationship with that Year Ten girl. God, not even a boy. Like, he probably only asked me out to humiliate me. He probably doesn’t even like guys at all. He could be bi or whatever, but chances are he just wanted to mess with me. Well, he did.

But honestly, I kind of wished that I cared more. I was already so fucking numb to begin with, so all this shit didn’t really do much. I just kind of feel numb, but, like, I already felt numb before, so there’s not really a big difference.

Honestly, I don’t even have it in me to care. I’m not even disappointed because it was so unbelievably stupid of me to even allow myself to hope that a boy could actually like me.

Whatever. I guess I’m relived that I don’t have to deal with him or the pressure of trying to hold myself together for another person. Because, God, I am such a mess. It’s better this way. One less person to hurt when I kill myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Coping With Depression:**  
>   
>  **Tip 2: Do things that make you feel good**  
>  In order to overcome depression, you have to do things that relax and energize you. This includes following a healthy lifestyle, learning how to better manage stress, setting limits on what you’re able to do, and scheduling fun activities into your day.  
>   
>  **Do things you enjoy (or used to)**  
>  While you can’t force yourself to have fun or experience pleasure, you can push yourself to do things, even when you don’t feel like it. You might be surprised at how much better you feel once you’re out in the world. Even if your depression doesn’t lift immediately, you’ll gradually feel more upbeat and energetic as you make time for fun activities.
> 
> Pick up a former hobby or a sport you used to like.  
> Express yourself creatively through music, art, or writing.  
> Go out with friends.  
> Take a day trip to a museum, the mountains, or the ballpark.  
>   
>  **Support your health:**
> 
> **Aim for eight hours of sleep.** Depression typically involves sleep problems; whether you’re sleeping too little or too much, your mood suffers. Get on a better sleep schedule by learning healthy sleep habits.
> 
> **Expose yourself to a little sunlight every day.** Lack of sunlight can make depression worse. Take a short walk outdoors, have your coffee outside, enjoy an al fresco meal, people-watch on a park bench, or sit out in the garden. Aim for at least 15 minutes of sunlight a day to boost your mood. If you live somewhere with little winter sunshine, try using a light therapy box.
> 
> **Practice relaxation techniques.** A daily relaxation practice can help relieve symptoms of depression, reduce stress, and boost feelings of joy and well-being. Try yoga, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation.  
>   
>  **Develop a "wellness toolbox" to deal with depression**  
>  Come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.  
> 1\. Spend some time in nature  
> 2\. List what you like about yourself  
> 3\. Read a good book  
> 4\. Watch a funny movie or TV show  
> 5\. Take a long, hot bath  
> 6\. Take care of a few small tasks  
> 7\. Play with a pet  
> 8\. Talk to friends or family face-to-face  
> 9\. Listen to music  
> 10\. Do something spontaneous  
>    
> Please remember that I am always here for you if ever you need someone to talk to. You can talk to me on here, or through tumblr. You can find me at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for suicidal thoughts

Please allow me to clue you in on something: shouting at me, blaming me, accusing me, and trying to guilt trip me does not make anything better. It doesn’t fix anything. The only thing it accomplishes is further cementing in my mind the fact that I want nothing more than to kill myself.

Right now I’m debating whether I should take my X-Acto knife and go slit my wrists because, dammit I want to so badly, or if I should sneak out after you go to bed (the window, thanks for asking) and go lie down in the middle of a busy street and wait to be run over.

God you’re just making me want to kill myself even more than I already do. Can’t you see that. Why can’t you see it?

Please just stop. Stop shouting at me for being lazy, for not living up to your expectations, for not being the son you want. Stop telling me how disappointed you are in me. Stop getting mad at me because I can’t be the son you want me to be. Stop accusing me of faking all of this so that I can get attention. Stop insisting that I’m doing this to make you look bad, to get back at you, to hurt you.

Because I’m not. I’m not I swear.

Or maybe I am. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know. I’m sorry. I don’t know. All I know is that you’re not helping. You’re just making it worse.

I already know I’m pathetic. I know I’m lazy and stupid and ungrateful and annoying. I know I’m a disappointment and a waste of space. I know. Okay. I know. But you constantly reminding me isn’t helping. It just makes everything worse.

I already hate myself for being lazy and for everything else and more. I don’t need you to hate me too.

 _You’re my parents_. You’re supposed to love me. You’re supposed to protect me. You’re supposed to comfort me. You’re supposed to make everything better. You’re not supposed to make me want to die. God.

So stop making me want to do it even more. Just shut the fuck up. Leave me the fuck alone. Because I swear to god if you keep this up, then I won’t be around anymore for you to shout at.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been so long since I've updated this, sorry! Not sure if I still have any readers at this point, but I'm going to continue on with my usual spiel and pretend someone actually cares
> 
> ~  
>  **Coping With Depression:**
> 
>  **Tip 3: Exercise**  
>  When you’re depressed, just getting out of bed can seem daunting, never mind working out. But regular exercise can be as effective as medications in countering the symptoms of depression and it also helps in preventing relapses once your depression starts to improve.  
> Aim for at least 30 minutes of exercise per day. It doesn’t have to be all at once. Start with small activities and build up from there. Take a short walk or put some music on and dance around.
> 
>  **Your fatigue will improve if you stick with it.** Starting to exercise can be hard when you’re depressed and exhausted. But your energy levels will improve if you keep with it. You'll be less fatigued once it’s part of your routine.
> 
>  **Find exercises that are continuous and rhythmic.** Rhythmic exercise—like walking, weight training, swimming, martial arts, or dancing—where you move both your arms and legs, tend to produce the most beneficial results for depression.
> 
>  **Add a mindfulness element** especially if your depression is rooted in unresolved trauma or fed by obsessive/negative thoughts. Focus on how your body feels as you move (i.e. the sensation of your feet hitting the ground, the feeling of the wind on your skin, or the rhythm of your breathing)
> 
>  
> 
> **How to start exercising and stick to it:**
> 
>  **Ditch the all-or-nothing attitude.** You don’t have to spend hours in a gym or force yourself into activities you hate to benefit from exercise. A little exercise is better than nothing. 
> 
> **Be kind to yourself.** Self-compassion increases the likelihood that you’ll succeed in any endeavor. So don’t beat yourself up about your body, your current fitness level, or your supposed lack of willpower. All that will do is demotivate you.
> 
>  **Check your expectations.** Expecting too much too soon only leads to frustration. Try not to be discouraged by what you can’t do or how far you have to go to reach your fitness goals. Instead of obsessing over results, focus on consistency.
> 
>  **Choose activities that make you feel happy and confident.** If your workout is unpleasant or makes you feel clumsy/inept, you’re unlikely to stick with it. Don’t choose activities like running or lifting weights just because you think that’s what you should do. Pick activities that fit your lifestyle, abilities, and taste.
> 
>  **Start small and build momentum.** The more ambitious your goal, the more likely you are to fail, feel bad about it, and give up. It’s better to start with easy exercise goals you know you can achieve. As you meet them, you’ll build self-confidence and momentum. Then you can move on to more challenging goals.
> 
>  **Make it automatic with triggers.** Triggers are simply reminders—a time of day, place, or cue—that kick off an automatic reaction. They put your routine on autopilot so there’s nothing to think about or decide on. Ex. the alarm clock goes off and go for your walk, you leave work for the day and head straight to the gym. Find ways to build them into your day to make exercise a no-brainer.
> 
>  **Reward yourself.** People who exercise regularly tend to do so because of the rewards exercise brings to their lives, like more energy, better sleep, and a greater sense of well-being. However these tend to be long-term rewards. When you’re starting an exercise program, it’s important to give yourself immediate rewards when you successfully complete a workout or reach a new fitness goal. Choose something you look forward to, but don’t allow yourself to do until after exercise. It can be something as simple as having a hot bath or a favorite cup of coffee.
> 
>  **Set yourself up for success.**  
>  **Schedule it.** If you’re having trouble fitting exercise into your schedule, mark it on your daily agenda.  
>  **Make it easy on yourself.** Plan your workouts for the time of day when you’re most awake and energetic. If you’re not a morning person, don’t plan to exercise before work.  
>  **Remove obstacles.** Plan ahead for anything that might get in the way of exercising.  
>  **Hold yourself accountable.** Commit to another person. If you’ve got a workout partner waiting, you’re less likely to skip out. Or ask a friend or family member to check in on your progress. Announcing your goals to your social group (either online or in person) can also help keep you on track.
> 
> ~  
> Please remember that I'm always here if ever you need someone to talk to. You can talk to me on here or through tumblr at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, please remember that you are all so so important. You mean the world to somebody. I promise. And while it may be tempting, death is not painless, and it is not the right answer. Your death would kill your family and your friends. So no matter how hard it is, please please please promise me that you will keep fighting. You are all warriors and I know you can do it.
> 
>  
> 
> 100 Reasons not to commit suicide:
> 
> It’s something your parents will never get over  
> It’ll destroy your siblings  
> It’ll destroy your best friends  
> Everyone will miss you  
> Your pets will be lost without you  
> Publish your writing  
> Tell your story  
> Give it time to get better, because it will  
> Help other people  
> Travel  
> Art  
> Have a drink at 21  
> Get tattooed  
> Graduate high school  
> Graduate college  
> Get married  
> Have kids  
> Drive  
> Live on your own one day  
> Concerts  
> Music  
> New movies  
> New music  
> Next album of your favorite band  
> Next season of your favorite show  
> Sequel to your favorite movie  
> Learn a new instrument  
> Photography  
> Reading  
> New books  
> See a book you like become a movie  
> Meet your idols  
> Have a job, get a first paycheck  
> Go scuba diving  
> See a bunch of different animals in person  
> Go to museums  
> Go to haunted places  
> Learn a new language  
> Go in a hot air balloon  
> New York City  
> See yourself recover  
> Food  
> Be an inspiration  
> It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem  
> There will be a time you’ll see that you’re glad you didn’t do it  
> You are so beautiful  
> You are so precious  
> Sunsets  
> Being in a relationship with someone you love  
> You are so loved, I love you  
> Being outside in the sunrise  
> Prove people wrong with your success  
> The people who bullied/abused/hurt you are complete failures in their lives and you are so much better than them  
> Drinking coffee  
> Drinking tea  
> Amusement parks  
> Bonfires  
> Sitting on rooftops  
> Meeting, potentially, hundreds of new people  
> You matter  
> You are important, you are not worthless  
> You make other people happy  
> You are NEVER alone  
> Making new friends  
> People do care about you  
> There is only one you in the whole world  
> You have so much potential  
> You’re super smart, you can do great things  
> Treehouses  
> Hugs  
> Kisses  
> Stargazing  
> Dancing  
> You could save someone’s life  
> You have so much of life ahead of you  
> Beaches  
> Listening to rainstorms  
> Waking up to sunshine and birds chirping  
> Snow  
> Holidays  
> Halloween!! Autumn, costumes, candy, pumpkins, scary movies!!  
> Opening presents  
> Your next birthday  
> You’re so talented  
> Laughing really hard  
> The world would not be the same if you weren’t alive  
> Flowers  
> Be your own hero  
> Bubble baths & Bath bombs  
> Cuddling  
> Lying on the grass and watching clouds  
> Drinking hot chocolate  
> Meeting your long distance friends  
> Doing crazy shit with your best friends  
> Staying up all night & Sleeping in  
> Your scars will heal  
> Cute baby animals  
> Your life can only get better  
> You have a voice and a right to be heard  
> Experiencing life
> 
>  
> 
> Suicide and Other Support Hotlines:
> 
> World-wide - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122914996788/suicide-hotlines-worldwide
> 
> USA - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122915395263/suicide-hotlines-usa
> 
> UK - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122915280248/suicide-hotlines-uk
> 
>  
> 
> If nothing else, please know that I am ALWAYS here if ever you need someone to talk to or support you, or if you ever just need a friend. You are important, you are kind, you are smart, you are special, and you are loved. Please remember that. If you ever are having trouble remembering this, please come talk to me; you can find me on tumblr at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> Don't ever think that you are alone, because you are not. I promise. I love you all so much.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


End file.
